4 a.m. Thoughts

What's wrong with me?

Why am I such a horrible person?

I try my best to smile even if I'm having a rough day cause if I show the true face I want to make everyone will run away from me. I want to be a good person that follows all the rules. Grows to be a kind person with a strong mind and have a happy family. I want to but I don't think I can. I mean I'm the type of person that'll get mad about things and bottle them up cause I'm to scared to talk to you. And when it explodes I beat you up cause I know words won't get through.

I have a bad personality that shows on my face if I'm not controlling my expression. That means the face I show when I'm thinking about something, staring off into space, or even just feeling really calm, is the face that describes the way I feel at that moment. Most of the time I show an angry face. My friends say it looks like I was planning to murder someone. I'm not interested in most things that other people love. So things like; star wars, current rap music, watching football, and I really couldn’t care less what celebrities are doing in their free time, I mean let them live their life…damn. 

 Anyway, I know you must be thinking since I'm writing this at 4 a.m. in the morning and I'm a teenager this is just the hormones talking, but I can assure you it's not. I know I'm a horrible person I'm just trying to explain to myself why that is.

I grew up in a loving home with more than enough family around…so why am I like this?

My First Crush v.s. My First Love: Part 2 (I'm so sorry it took so long)

For now let's talk about my crush first. We'll call him Mr.  A.

After  Mr. A moved to P.A. in 5th grade I believed we wouldn't see each other anymore. Then when I started high school he was in my class. The first thing I thought was 'is that really him?' He had grown out his hair into an afro bigger than his head. I decided to confirm instead of jumping to conclusions.

I found out when we was going around the room to introduce ourselves. We would stand when it was our turn and say our name then the class can ask you questions for 1 minute. One of the people that also went to the same elementary school with me asked if he went to our school. His answer was yes. That's when I started being extra cautious around him. 

Then during a class activity the teacher put us in the same group. It was awkward to say the least. Luckily one of my best friends were in the group so he kind of helped distract me through most of it. But towards the end of the activity he started trying to get involved in our conversation, even though we was talking about something he knew nothing about... ANIME. I started to talk less because I felt really uncomfortable once my bestie saw that he started to focus on talking to me and tried to cut Mr. A out the conversation. Mr. A just wasn't having it though. He basically pushed his way back into the conversation. My bestie, being the way he is, ignored him and joked with me until I laughed. The bell rang and that was the end of that. 

He didn't really interact with me unless he had to during class even then we'd only say a couple of words to each other. Not enough to be considered a conversation though. It was weird cause I'd catch him staring at the group of friends I was always surrounded by. He started approaching us after watching us for almost a month. It was weird cause he ended up kind of incorporating himself into my friend group through almost all my friends. The only friends that wouldn't pay him no mind was my 3 closest friends, which includes 2 girls and the guy that I talked about earlier. 

According to my friends he got close with he kept asking them about me. He asked things like, "how did you meet?" Or "why are you guys always together?" They told him without knowing why he asked in the first place. Then when he started asking more personal questions, like, "is she single?" "Is there anyone she likes right now?" "Why does she like anime so much?" "Who's the closest person to her?" They stopped answering him. He ended up going to one of the girls close to me that I refer to as the Harley to my Joker. When he tried to ask her she refused to answer cause she knew our little 'history'. Even though she refused to tell Mr. A, he was persistent. So when she got sick of him asking, she yelled at him to ask me himself and forced me to talk to him. 

Needless to say, it was one of the longest awkward situations I've been in. He just kept starring at me with a face I couldn't read, while I was silently questioning why I agreed to talk with him. He asked me questions and with a cool poker-face I answered them with sarcasm.

Q: "Do you have a crush?" A: "Myself."
Q: "Why do you like anime so much?" A: "Why do you like basketball?"
Q; "Are you single?"

See this is the question that messed me up. I knew he was going to ask this and planned to lie and say no. Unfortunately my mind went blank and I said yes. He seemed to be happy with that answer, so I asked why that was. He said one of his friends said they liked me and since Mr. A went to elementary school with me he assumed that we were close. I told Mr. A to tell his friend I'm not looking for a relationship and left. 

I told my friends the next day and they said it was a cover story to hide the crush he has for me. I told them it was ridiculous based on passed experience. Even so, they kept telling me he defiantly had a crush on me. I wanted to see if it was possible that he liked me, but by that time it was already time for me to move. I still don't think he liked me and was truly asking for a friend, but if he did like me then I was blind to it 'cause of my relationship experience. Anyway, he still askes the friends I'm in touch with how I'm doing from time to time. It doesn't bother me so I leave it alone.

Again, sorry this took so long to write, but tell me what you think. Did he like me?

My First Crush v.s. My First Love: Part 1

I met my first crush in 2nd grade. He was 1 or 2 years older than but got left back so we were stuck in the same class together all through elementary school. We often argued so it was easy to keep the fact that I liked him a secret. Until 4th grade when I made a mistake and told a friend of mine that had just transferred in that I had a HUGE crush on him. She thought she was doing me a favor by tell him for me cause I was too scarred to. I mean, one, I was already in a relationship with someone and two, I knew full well he wasn't someone I really wanted to date. So why bother telling him, right? The worse part is our whole grade knew by the end of that day. It was so embarrassing. Luckily it was also a Friday and by Monday barely anyone would be talking about it. While I was in 5th grade I still liked him but I did a better job of keeping it an actual secret this time cause thanks to my cousin it was confirmed as just a rumor. At the end of 5th grade he moved to Pennsylvania so I thought we wouldn't see each other again. Long story short I was wrong.

On the other hand, me and my first love knew each other before we were even born. Our mothers have been bestfriends since high school so it was a given that their children were going to know each other. We grew up together and were the same age so of course we ended up being close friends. When we were like 5 or 6 a game of hide and seek somehow ended with us kissing. His older sibling's found us kissing then separated us and told us we shouldn't kiss people on the lips unless we were dating them. So after both of us thought about it for like 2 weeks we decided to date without our parents knowing. Even though we were young we took a chance and dated each other. For the first year we saw each other almost every weekend. Then in the second year our moms kind of got busy so we didn't see each other. Still to my knowledge even though we didn't see each other we were still dating. When we finally saw each other again I was really happy to see him after a such a long time, but to my surprise he didn't even remember we were dating. His older siblings remembered but he didn't. In my mind that meant he didn't want to remember and that hurt my feelings. We ended up telling him so he finally remembered. We ended up dating till the end of that summer cause I didn't like that he forgot about me even though I kept thinking bout him. Then we weren't in contact till some time last year. Which is now causing some problems for me.

My Word is...

I'm Awesomeness.
Because you know what,
there is just not enough hate in my heart,
for me to hate myself.

But there is also not enough love,
for me to truly love myself.

So, I came to a conclusion.
If I can't hate nor love myself,
I'll put a word in place of them.
My word is Awesomeness.

This is for you...

This is a picture of the sky in New York when I was going to a funeral. Even though it was such a sad day, this sky was so beautiful I couldn't resist taking a picture of it. I know this may sound weird, but I think this was his last present to us. Like he was telling us he's alright, so we wouldn't worry. That also kind of puts me at ease.

Baby Stew

First of all this is a long term, not no 20 minute project.
It's not usually a one man thing, but it can be done.
Now lets get to it;

1. Just a bit of warmth
mixed with hope and love,
is how you start this thing off.
A bit of sass and a bit more of hurt,
for them to learn from.
Leave this mixture for about 4 months,
this will be your marinara sauce.

2. The next thing to do,
is quite easy actually,
just add happy thoughts to your marinara and a lot
of patience.

3. You will have to stuff it into a strong soul,
along with a mind of it's own,
as imaginative and active as the child in your soul.
Let this coddle in your pot,
for another 4 months or so.

Just one more month that's all you need,
for the final step that will put you at ease.

4. The final step is all up to you,
add whatever you want to this big pot of stew,
that was made just for you.

Life

Life is long,
yet fleeting.
It feels like
the future waves goodbye as your,
still stuck in the past,

Although this is not true,
we still believe it to be.

Life is just a word
we put meaning to.
It's not that hard to understand.
It's just a little hard to overcome.

Life is like a board game,
and we're the pieces that come with it.
It's hard to not mess up at least once while playing the first time.
But if you give the game your own rules the 2nd time,
its quite easy to break none, right?
WRONG!!!
You can't make your own rules to a game that isn't yours to begin with.
But no one says you can't try.